


Betrayl, Misunderstanding, Hurt

by Ladyspirkis4life97



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 09:33:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12791715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyspirkis4life97/pseuds/Ladyspirkis4life97
Summary: Kirk for some reason could only show his love for Spock while he was drunk and Spock got tired of being told his captain loves him only while drunk so left to purge himself of feelings.





	Betrayl, Misunderstanding, Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I believe this could go in either the original or the alternate original series. Anyway no copy write was intended and this is unbetaed sorry for any mistakes.

   It has been almost a year since Spock left the ship, and Kirk, to take part in Kolinhar. Kirk desperately wished there was the equivalent for humans because he couldn’t stand how he was feeling with his first officer gone. All Kirk had from him was a letter of resignation, no excuse or anything to try and make him, his captain, understand why Spock left. Of course, Kirk didn’t need to know why because he had a strong reason for why Spock left, and it all goes back to the blasted night.  
It was a diplomatic trip, and as was Kirk’s habit he found the ambassador and charmed her into joining the federation and letting them mine on her planet for a valuable new rock that the local’s claimed could heal any injury in the world. Our technology could do that of course, but it still took time, this stone was said to cure it instantly. Sex was a bargaining chip that Kirk used easily, mostly because he was already emotionally attached to someone and so didn’t fall in love with anyone, making the sex passionate sure but emotionless. Kirk knew he couldn’t have the one he desired the most because of rank and well because this particular person was a Vulcan, a Vulcan who was scared ashamed at the feeling of friendship he felt toward Kirk. So Kirk did what he did best, he drank, he ate, he flirted, and he charmed the ambassador and took her to bed.

   It was frustrating however because he felt the need to have a real connection and just couldn’t and with Kirk being drunk and not in his right mind he went to find his first officer to see just what sex would be like with someone he loved.  
He stumbled to where Spock was staying, the city was prosperous and vast, but their culture relied on “family” living together and not apart and since Spock and insisted that they were like brothers, of course, they had to bunk up together. It was the “logical choice” according to Spock, but Kirk wished there was another reason he wanted to be together that was more emotional than logical. Regardless they shared a room together, so it was no surprise that while Kirk was coming in drunk and smelling of shame and sex Spock was meditating. Spock heard the door open and closed and without looking said: “Hello captain I see negotiations went well.” Spock couldn’t hide the sarcasm and dryness in his voice; Kirk had a habit of instigating his more emotional side then was comfortable.  
   Kirk didn’t miss the tone and said “why Spock if I didn’t know any better I would say you were angry or jealous. Yes, negotiations went well the paperwork is signed and on its way to Starfleet.”  
   Spock raised his eyebrow in his characteristic manner and said in a monotone voice as he could manage “ those emotions would be hardly logical captain, but I see as usual your charm saves the day. I would so prefer if you didn’t put yourself in harm's way, I am not yet ready to take command should you die.” Kirk had been around Spock long enough to know that that was his way of showing he cared, and Kirk loved him all the more for it. He can’t quite remember what made him do it, but Kirk fell on top of Spock and said: “I ashaya du Spock, I need you. Sex is meaningless and pointless unless it is with you."

   Spock stiffened at him and said “Jim-” but the snore coming from his captain stopped him and he sighed. As Spock picked Kirk up and sat him on his bed, undressing him and putting the covers over his sleeping form Spock couldn’t help but be angry. This incident wasn't the first time he has come into his room declaring love for him and then as soon as he sobers up he acts like nothing happened at all. Spock couldn’t take this anymore, this pain and these lies, he was half human, and it wasn’t fair for Kirk to keep playing with his emotions knowing how sensitive they were as of late.  
Spock let himself push back Kirk’s hair as he drew up his resignation letter. He could no longer deal with these emotions and the constant wonder on if they were reciprocated. Kirk was on the way to destructive behavior, sleeping around, partying, drinking in excess to name a few and Spock firmly believes that if Kirk did indeed mean that he loved him, then he wouldn’t do those things.

   Why continue to sleep with females when you are in love with a man? It made no logical sense, and that is why Spock had to remove himself. Maybe in another life, he would stay by Jim’s side, grow old together and retired together, bond in the Vulcan way and be each other’s half but that was not the life he could have with Jim acting the way he did. It pained him to abandon a man that he knew was his friend, despite all his faults but it was just too late for that.  
And those are the events that led to the current predicament kirk is in. He barely gets through the day as captain and then retreats to his room and drinks until he goes numb. Bones has told him on multiple occasions he needs to slow down or he will be in no health to captain anymore but does it even matter? He is a fool, a fool in love who ruined the best chance he had.  
   It should have been easy; he was retired, older and no longer in the enterprise. He lived close to his old crew, and they would hit the bar every weekend to remember the good old days. It was accepted without words that they do not mention Spock at all in the presence of Kirk. They could not help but talk about how awful it was for Spock to have just left him whereas others said that if Spock were important to Kirk, he would have made sure Spock knew that. The conversation always died down when the captain showed up though, they didn’t fool him he was aware that what they were talking about, and he understood the need to know what went wrong.  
That night Kirk went to the bar and announced he was going to take a trip to Vulcan. The news was met with mixed results, half of his friends agreed that he had to try fighting for him one more time while the other half insisted he should leave him alone because that is what Spock wanted and it could tarnish Kirk’s reputation if he showed up like a lovesick puppy.

   Kirk vehemently argued that he didn’t care about his status or Spock’s wishes. He never got a chance to fight for him, and he was going to do it even if it killed him. The night passed and the morning of his trip arrived, his closest friend Bones had offered to go with him, but Kirk insisted he had to do this himself.  
As the ship launched into light speed, he practiced what he would say when he got there hoping that he would get a chance to see his old friend. Once he landed, he went and checked into his hotel, asking the local Vulcans where the place of a sacred ritual was a no go, so he did some sleuthing before coming here. However, luck was on his side when as he was leaving his room he ran into a body, A familiar, Vulcan body. Kirk looked up and gasped at the sight of his old friend. His hair had grayed, and he had more wrinkles, but he was the Spock that he knew and loved.  
   He went to open his mouth but Spock just wordlessly opened Kirks door and pushed him inside. Once they were inside and the door was closed Spock let out a small smile and said “Sacha old friend, I have some news to tell you, will you sit down?” Kirk wanted to yell and punch him, wanted to beat him senseless but instead wordlessly sat down across from him.  
   Spock sighed and said “First off I want to explain myself to you. I left because I had feelings that I never felt were reciprocated and felt unappreciated as a friend. Almost every time you got drunk and slept with a female, you came to my quarters and declared your love for me and the sex with them meaningless, and yet still you persisted and acted like you never said those things. As a Vulcan, it was hard coming to terms with my illogical feelings for you, and so I thought it would be best to run away, to distance myself from you and the memories. So I went, and I did the ritual, and I got to the last part but then for whatever reason, the V’ eger called out to me, and I felt an overabundance of emotions. It felt so freeing to feel and not be in constant control. It was an incredible feeling of fullness and life but also fright and hatred, and I realized that I didn’t want to get rid of that. I didn’t want to get rid of this feeling I have for you, and when I made that decision I tried to find you, but it was like you dropped from the map. I hoped that you would come here eventually to hunt me down and ask for me to come back and here you are, I just want to know if the reason is one to celebrate or to cry.” Spock for the first time looked like he was relaxed with a mixture of fright. It felt unusual to see the usually emotionless Spock showing such emotion.  
   Kirk gathered his thoughts and replied “I do recall all those times I stumbled into your room uninvited and declared my love for you and I swear that was the truth, I did and still do love you, more than anything and those woman? Sex was just a bargaining chip it never meant anything to me, and I guess I did it to deny the feelings I had for you. I acted like I didn’t remember to spare myself from the pain of rejection, to spare the idea of you telling me you didn’t feel the same way or that you couldn’t feel the same way about me. You are appreciated, and I was a wreck when you left. It was a long time before I even gathered myself to go to the bar with the old crew and Bones tried to set me up with multiple women and men, but I just couldn’t see myself doing that. Like I said sex was just a thing to do to get what I wanted, and I wanted you, I still do. I am so lucky that you were hoping I would be here to ask you to come back because that is what I am here to do. I know it won’t be simple to get over the pain we caused each other by denying our feelings and who we are but I want to try, I want to try with you because I love you. I won’t stop saying that until the day we die Spock I love you and I don’t ever want to lose you again.” Kirk had tried not to cry, but he didn’t succeed, and even Spock had to let out a couple of tears. He stood up and walked to Kirk and looked him in the eyes, and in those eyes, he saw the wonder and pain that he caused, and he said: “May I meld with you?” Kirk eagerly agreed and felt the familiar presence of Spock’s mind. There was a link that Spock attached to and both of their minds wrapped around it as many times as they could, an unspoken and unbreakable bond that can only be severed in death. Once the bond was established Kirk gently brushed Spock’s hand knowing what it meant and sighed as he felt Spock’s lips upon him. Eventually, they would do a proper ceremony, a good bonding but at that point, all that mattered was catching up and being together.  
~Fin


End file.
